How to Handle Rejection Like a Queen
Rejection doesn’t feel good. It’s not a back massage. It’s not a first kiss. It’s not a warm cozy blanket on a cold winter’s day. It’s rejection. It stings. It hurts. Sometimes a lot.
I’ve been in Los Angeles for about a year now trying to pursue a career as an actor. It hasn’t happened for me (yet), which means I’ve spent the last year getting rejected. A lot.
On top of that I also do beauty pageants where you are LITERALLY JUDGED BY A PANEL OF JUDGES AND THEN ONLY ONE PERSON WALKS AWAY WITH THE CROWN.
Which means one girl wins, and 99 get rejected. AFTER BEING JUDGED ON THEIR LOOKS, PERSONALITY, AND STAGE PRESENCE. Not excellent odds if you’re trying to avoid rejection.
AND I ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR FUN.
I know. I’m crazy.
On top of THAT (if that isn’t enough rejection to last one woman a lifetime) I am also in my 20’s stumbling in and out of deep infatuation as I try to find my King and life partner. Which means I do a lot of the rejecting, and I also get rejected a lot too.
True love only works once. So in the end you only “win” at love once, and the hundreds of other chances at love you encounter, end in rejection.
In fact if you’re trying to avoid rejection I would probably avoid falling in love all together. Because when love doesn’t work out it feels WAY more personal than being rejected as an actor or a beauty queen. Trust 👏🏻 me 👏🏻.
But the truth about rejection is that while it isn’t supposed to feel good, it’s never personal.
I’ll say it again for those sitting in the back: REJECTION IS NEVER PERSONAL.
Trust me. I’m a professional at it. IM SO GOOD AT IT. PLZ REJECT ME I BEG YOU.
I apologize for all of the yelling in all-caps.
Its been an emotional day...😂
Anyways...
Whether you’re auditioning for a role in a movie or a role in someone else’s life: ITS THE SAME THING. Someone has an arbitrary idea of what they are looking for, based on their personal life experiences, and you have about 30 seconds to convince them that you can play that role. Our attention spans are so short. Someone will take one look at you and then they’re on to the next thing.
But if you aren’t able to convince them that you can play the role, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t. It just means that on the day, week, or year you were supposed to do the convincing, you weren’t as convincing as you needed to be. Which often is impacted by so many factors that are out of our control.
It also doesn’t mean they are rejecting YOU, it just means that THEIR perception of you isn’t what they are picturing or expecting for that role. And often times their perception of you has much less to do with who you truly are, and more to do with how they see themselves. Another’s perception, imagination and expectation of you is something you have NO control of, and ENTIRELY varies from person to person.
I will be one judge’s idea of the perfect beauty queen, and remind another of an ex-girlfriend they would never want to see win. I will be one casting director’s idea of hilarious, and bore another entirely. I will be one man’s dream woman, and another’s nightmare.
OKAY OBVIOUSLY IM A DREAM COME TRUE TO ALL MEN EVERYWHERE SO THAT LAST ONE DOESN’T APPLY TO ME DUH.
Cough.
Anyways...
On top of that we spend so much time auditioning for roles that we wouldn’t even want to play if we actually got them. We get so focused on just trying to win and achieve SOMETHING that we don’t ask ourselves WHAT IS IT I ACTUALLY WANT?!
And WHY do I want it?!
Especially when it comes to love.
I spent five months this year falling for a man who I believed was my dream come true. More than my dream of being an actress in LA or Miss USA or any other “role” I want to play in this lifetime. The role I wanted to play most was to be his.
Why? Because I chose to make little things about him mean a lot to me.
But I ignored the big things like HOW HE ACTUALLY TREATED ME. And HIS ACTUAL FEELINGS FOR ME.
You know... tiny details that are easily overlooked when you’re 22 and in loveeee.
I know my thirty year old self is so disappointed in me right now.
Because I didn’t really know him, and I ignored the most important things because I loved the idea of him so much.
Im a cliche AND IM NOT ASHAMED.
I realize how many times I’ve done this same thing. Ive written movies in my head about a person, and cast him as my leading man, off a 30 second first impression.
It sounds CRAZY.
And I’m definitely a little crazy.
But not in this scenario because it’s what we all do.
We all get a little crazy when it comes to love.
At least when we’re young and naive and still brave enough to jump headfirst into it.
We fall in love with the idea of a person, often based on truth but still very incomplete information. And we hope it works out...
Even when you marry someone you’re marrying the idea of who you both want to become, because you don’t really KNOW who you’ll be in five years.
We make lifelong decisions off of split second first impressions.
And that’s just how this crazy world works.
So what do you do about it?
1. BE CLEAR ON THE ROLES IN YOUR LIFE YOU WANT TO PLAY AND THE ROLES YOU WANT FILLED
Did you actually want him? Or just someone with his sense of humor? Did you actually want to be the person he was looking for? Or did you change yourself into something you didn’t like to try to fit that role?
2. NEVER GIVE UP ON THE IDEA OF WHAT YOU WANT BUT RELEASE THE ATTACHMENT TO WHERE AND FROM WHOM IT COMES
I want to be a comedic actor, but when I leave an audition and don’t hear anything back, I remember that I don’t have to change my dream, I just have to let go of the idea of it coming true on that one day in that one room.
Same with love. I don’t let go of the idea of the person I loved, I just find someone who actually wants to play that role.
3. PERFECT THE ROLE YOU WANT TO PLAY
Rejection can shine a light on the areas you may need to improve in order to fit a specific role. For example, if I want to be Miss USA I should probably stop eating tacos about 6 months before Miss California USA not 24 hours like I did this year...
I also know that if I want to be an incredible wife to someone else someday, I should work on being an incredible wife to myself first.
If we can set aside the pain of rejection, we can actually find the path to our dreams.
4. REMEMBER THAT BEING REJECTED DOESN’T MAKE YOU CRAZY IT MAKES YOU BRAVE
Okay maybe a little bit crazy too. It takes a little bit of crazy bravery to believe in yourself enough to put yourself out there for your career and put your heart on the line for love.
And when things don’t work out it’s easy to be so disappointed in yourself.
But the truth is that winning your dream role or your dream relationship isn’t a miracle, it’s a combination of effort and timing. What IS a miracle is being just crazy brave enough to try.
