Love is Many Things, But it is Mostly Just Showing Up

When my parents split up, I had to question everything I knew about love. My dad wasn't there, and my mom was really struggling. She was physically present, but her mind was a million miles away. Looking back on that time in her life today, she recalls driving to the grocery store and not even knowing how she got there. But even though we fought like hell most days, we always held each other when we cried. 

In her heartbreak and imperfections, and in my downward spiral of anger, she taught me a lesson about love that has stayed with me since. 

Being a good parent has nothing to do with being perfect, and everything to do with simply showing up everyday. 

And today, that lesson is brought to my mind again. 

Diving into love with my heart wide open has taught me a lot about my own imperfections. Our lovers are just mirrors of ourselves, shining light on our flaws. And I am wildly imperfect. I'm messy, I get my feelings hurt too easily, and I struggle to see myself for who I really am. When it comes to love, I am my own worst enemy. I am quick to offer kindness to everyone besides myself, which isn't always easy for others to watch.

Odds are, this lifetime is not long enough for me to ever reach perfection, and overcome all of my weaknesses. And if perfect self-love is required to be in a relationship, I will likely die alone. 

But love has nothing to do with being perfect, it is simply two imperfect people showing up for each other every day. 

The uncomfortable truth is that being single is the easier path to walk. An even uglier truth is that if I choose to be alone I would probably have easier access to happiness. I wouldn't have anyone shining light on the broken parts I thought I fixed long ago, or the adulting I still fail to do. The dam of self doubt that breaks each time I say "I love you" would be carefully plugged forever. 

And it's true, being loved doesn't "fix" you, it only shows you what still needs fixing. 

But with that said, love is choice, and I choose love. 

I've had splinters in my heart from years ago that still hurt, and love is the only light that can show me where they've been hidden, and give me the reason to pull them out.

Love might not fix us, but it gives us a reason to finally start fixing ourselves. 

So it might not be easy, and it might hurt, but it is sure as hell worth showing up to every day.

Because a life without love, is just a body chasing cravings.

And I'd rather chase the stars.