How to Move Through a Breakup.

Notice I didn't say  "get over." I said move through. Because a breakup isn't a fallen tree branch you hurtle over, it's a flash flood you must wade through to get to dry ground.

Perhaps you've heard the saying "you never step in the same river twice" because the water will always be different water than the last time, and you will be a different person too. Which leads me to remind you that no two breakups are the same, and you will be a different person when you emerge on the other side. And this will be a different experience than your last breakup.

And that's okay. 

I like to keep my writings honest, it's kind of the only thing that keeps these sporadic thoughts linked: vulnerability and radical honesty. And so in the salty spirit of being both vulnerable and radically honest, I am hurting. There's this place in my chest that's gone tight and while I keep my days busy, that space in my heart becomes throbbing at night. You see, a really beautiful love story, perhaps the loveliest I've known so far, has come to an end.  

Usually I wait until everything is over before I write about it but I thought "perhaps I'm not the only person out there grieving the loss of love, perhaps it would be kind for the other broken hearts out there to know that 'Hi, I'm in this with you too."

So I am here to offer you comfort, and to let you know that with the pain, I have also found an overwhelming sense of peace. Here are the three things that have brought that peace to me.

1. Create a Break-Up Journal

Every time my hand itches to pick up my phone and call my ex, whether to share good news or pathetically cry about how much I miss him, I try to choose the path of grace and write in here instead...

It's given me a lot of peace to be able to express all of the kind words there were not time for, the plans I have moving forward, and the aches I feel when I know those plans will no longer involve him.

2. Love Harder

When my ex told me he felt peace and a sense of relief now that we've parted ways, it actually made me feel better. You see, saying  "I love you," commits you to live in such a way that makes that love true. When you truly love someone, their happiness becomes yours. So when they decide that parting ways will bring them more joy, you can honor that love by wanting greater happiness for them than you can offer. Turning to hate will only hurt you, turning to jealousy will not injure anyone besides yourself. Loving harder is the only way to truly heal.

3. Virtue over Vices

When my heart hurts, my first inclination is to make the pain stop. We have so many ways in which we try to numb the ache of loss, and I am no exception to that. My first instinct is to numb and to numb as quickly as possible. Whatever your vice is, it will find you when you're hurting. Food, shopping, sleep, drinking, drugs, sex, pornography, etc; there are as many vices as there are people in the world. Vices that provide a sensation of numbness in which the pain subsides. But only for a moment. Vices that disconnect you from both pain and peace at the same time. These things impede your growth when used as medication. The most peace has come by seeking things that have been proven by so many cultures and beliefs to bring true light. Prayer, meditation, yoga, journaling, exercise, spending time with good friends, spending time alone, good food, late night phone calls, pampering yourself with a massage or pedicure, focusing on your careers. The truth is for every vice that will only hurt you, there are paths of virtue that lead to peace.

Please love, do not forget:

Peace is yours to be had.

A lost love is simply a door to learn how to love better next time.

And next time always comes.